Category Archives: Uncategorized

And 2016 starts off pretty good…

I hope I didn’t just jinx myself with that title. Seriously, 2015 was terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year for me and I just want 2016 to BE GOOD. And so far it has been. My surgeon signed off on me having to see a home health nurse FINALLY 6 FREAKING MONTHS LATER, and several abscesses, ER visits and hospital stays later. But my original nurse got a new job so I got a new, not as good and basically bitch nurse that was very rough and made my wounds bleed a lot more than they should have been bleeding. So for me to finally having the OK to be discharged is a relief.

DJ is working full time, which means bills are getting paid, slowly and steady they are getting paid. Sometimes its weekly, others its bi weekly. But we are getting caught up. We even treated ourselves to a stereo system through Aaron’s and a new bedroom set (we needed a new bed, I was waking up in pain every day from that bed frame being broken.)

My 31st birthday is the 24th. when did I get old? I mean old enough to have my child hood icons start dying off? Robin Williams? David Bowie? ALAN RICKMAN? I just can’t. I’ve been a fan of Rickman since he was the voice of god in Dogma. I fell in love with the tortured character of Severus Snape, and he brought it to life with his velvet voice that no other actor could, I had feels upon feels for the depressed robot in hitchhickers guide through the galaxy.

I woke up the night he died, at midnight and I couldn’t get to sleep until around 2 am. I felt a shift in the universe. A disturbance in the force, that the world would never be the same. First the Goblin King passed away and I’d been watching the Labyrinth with my kids, and listening to Bowie’s soundtracks and treasuring that he embraced the weird and accepted the oddities of life.

Rickman played the Villain. Or the Sarcastic. Or the Depressed. But in real life he was a kind man, he was generous. He was the kind of human being that I hope my sons grow up to be like. Daniel Radcliffe wrote that whenever you needed him (Rickman) he would drop whatever it was that he was doing and he’d be there.

The world lost a truly great man. This week we are all Slytherin.

And Alan Rickman is apparently watching a kickass concert up in heaven with Lenny, Bowie, and Queen’s lead singer… Just saying.

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To import or not to import….

I was digging around my external hard drive getting rid of all my ‘free’ printables for the 2015 calendar year for my planner addiction. (Seriously they may be a free download but the Pretty Pretty Planner literally cost me $60 in printer ink and paper because it kept screwing up. I’m taking that bitch to staples next time.)

Well I was searching “2015” and I found my export of mama-uncensored.com’s database from WordPress which means that karyn.nu’s database is also there. THREE YEARS worth of posts. My son’s birth story… memories that I want to keep.

And some I don’t. Some I don’t want to remember, posts about my alleged step son’s behavioral issues, his assault on my son, him calling me a F*ing B*tch, dealing with his psychopathic lying mother…

I could important and go through and delete those posts, but that would be time consuming. Or I could import them and immediately archive them right?

I dunno. I’ve been struggling with this for a few days. I mean three years is a lot of work, a lot of memories, a lot of stuff to just store on a hard drive collecting dust. I mean I know that this is a free blog and that one day when we are more financially sound I will get my domain back again and I will get back in the swing of things- I mean I already am. I’ve collected a few vendors that’s apart of my gift guides. I’m planning pitches to various cruelty free companies, and even have a blog planner in an arc mini (8×5) that I keep at my desk. I’m also getting a desk put upstairs so that way I can work while the children are sleeping at night. Which will be awesome.

There’s a lot that I decided I want for the year 2016. Planning my wedding for one, and for two.. just being happy and healing with the memories of surgeries up surgeries and medical emergencies.

I’m also doing the #resetgirlslistersgottalistchallenge and that’s been incredibly amazing. Getting back into crafts in general has been one of the best things for my mental health and healing. I just wish I could get rid of this writer’s block for fictional writing.

I used to write fanfiction and had a pretty good fan base. But its Chapter 13 and I just can’t continue with the story I mean, its been several years since I’ve even tried to read the story let alone type it up. I may have to fix that at some point.

My Simple Stories, Carpe Diem planner is finally all set up. It took forever to get the final order from the etsy shop. It was sent to the wrong post office over an hour away and then it was lost for like two days in the mail, but it finally came over three days late, but I love every bit of it. I won’t be ordering from that etsy seller again but instead the Reset Girl team, but I love the Simple stories line. YAY!

2015 a year in review.

Geek PoweredWhat can I say about 2015. To go month by month would be tedious and rather boring. I mean come on. I’m a stay at home mother that until very recently had a very big problem and very long story that plagued a lot of my blog posts. And since that issues has thus been resolved on our end, I’d rather not talk about it here. This is my safe haven from the world. My voice and I won’t let that part of my real world life tarnish here. So moving on.

2015 broke me. I was completely destroyed this year. I felt like I had failed repeatedly as a mother, because I was too sick to care for my children. I was scared of being put back into the hospital after spending 7 weeks, and having 8 surgeries to save my life thanks to a complication rare as it was for an RNY gastric bypass patient to have. (2% of RNY gastric bypass patients have had this issues over all.)

I almost died 4 times had several emergency surgeries to fix what was going on with my body and here it is January 1st and I am still in daily agony thanks to a strangulated and encased hernia. I am facing another surgery to repair said hernia this summer and because the loose skin was part of the issue with the hernia happening in the first place, it will be removed.

After almost dying so many times I finally stood up for myself. Granted a lot of terrible things had to happen first but once the last straw fell and the camel’s back broke it was very clear to me that it was time to move on wards and upwards with out looking back.

The gas industry in my area never did pick up the way it was promised over and over again so DJ had no choice but to go back over the road. Thankfully the company he’s working with is very good about home time and if he needs to get home he needs to get home. I’m very thankful for this in many ways because I can talk to him daily on the cell phone and I know that we have steady income coming in. We are still in debt pretty good which is why I gave up my domains and have cut down on a lot of ‘wants’ vs ‘needs’. I did get a little bit nuts over Christmas but that’s a given considering the season.

But I am setting goals both personal, financial, and physical. DJ is working with me wholeheartedly on this and we are as always a team. I am forever grateful for this man.

Christmas has come and gone

While I am happy that all the Christmas stuff is taken down and put away until next year, I am sad because this morning DJ left at 5 AM for work. The first night he’s away is always the hardest and I can’t seem to fall asleep for crap.

But Christmas was wonderful. We had an extremely hard year and are just now playing catch up with our fiances because of my health issues and him being laid off. We’ve both talked about it and we’re thinking that the company he’s running with now the perks are just too good to pass up with him being home every weekend and a guaranteed amount of money, things really are looking up.

Thanks to this wonderful little town we were able to get some seriously awesome gifts for our boys. The landlord hosts a toy party every year and collects children’s names and ages for families in need and we got a good sized bag from that party as well as three garbage bags full of toys from toys for tots. My heart was so full that the entire community pulled together to help out the family that moved in and their entire world went upside down.

I love this house. I love everything about this house. I loved decorating it, and most importantly I love the people living here inside it. I miss DJ when he’s away, I do. But in the end I know that we need to pay bills, save for a wedding and make sure we have a nest egg, emergency fund etc.

DJ with this pay check is ordering me my Christmas presents and all of them are planner related. *swoon* I’m ordering vinyl and a heat press to start to make shirts, mugs etc. So far I am loving my life.

Keep on Keepin On

So Sunday R, Dj and I went down to the Greyhound station about 32 miles south of where we live to drop DJ off for his orientation Monday in Ohio. DJ had packed the night before, and gotten everything together. I sat on his lap and cuddled with him Sunday morning before his shower and we had John on our laps having some family cuddles as well and I noticed that my cheek was pretty wet, but I wasn’t crying.. yet.

Here I thought all this time that he was so excited to go back over the road, that he missed the life style so much and we’d been fighting so much over finances and such that I thought he wanted to.. but he didn’t. He was crying, literally falling apart because he didn’t want to leave me or the boys.

Well he got into the shower and went upstairs to get dressed and he was up there for awhile and I was down stairs with the Jason, John was upstairs with Daddy and I finally went up to see what was taking so long because it was getting close to time to go and here he was finding every excuse not to get on that bus, texting everyone he could think of for work ideas that were local and not over the road.  While he was doing this he was crying, he didn’t want to go.

I kept telling him that it was only temporary and that this was a necessary evil right now but that I loved him very much and that I wasn’t going anywhere and that seeing him so emotional oddly made me feel better about losing him to the road, and the life style because I knew he didn’t want to go.

After I kissed him goodbye I went back home with R and had dinner and came home to put the kids to bed and got packed. By packed I mean, we still have to pack bandages into the drain sites of the penrose drain and the newly formed drain of the recently lanced fluid pocket site, walked the dog and went to bed.

I haven’t cried much at all, however the nightmares have been terrible. The first night Jason slept with me because he didn’t know what was going on and last night I got the bed all to myself which was nice, but at the same time was lonely. But the boys are handling things alright and so am I. We talk to DJ daily and we tell him we love him all the time. So until local work picks up this is life, this is the way things will be. I’m not pleased with it, but we will survive.

Pity Train: Party of 1.

Not much has really been going on since the last post. I’ve been doing a lot of the mom thing. And DJ has been calling around and filling out applications and starting the process for his leave of absence at his current job so he can go OTR.

It kinda bugs me because it feels like to me he didn’t try hard enough to get in with Penn’s where he’d be home every night, he just went with the easy and sure thing. And since there was a hiccup yesterday with my healing process I’m annoyed that he’s leaving.

As for that hiccup, the bottom opening of where my Pen-rose drain had been, and the bottom one that had already abscessed and we were packing, had gotten a fluid filled pocket – not yet an abscess but on its way to becoming one if we’d not caught it in time- and need to be cut open to widen the opening and another opening created and a tunnel drain created to allow the fluid to escape to prevent an infection. It’s not only painful, but it’s also humiliating. I wasn’t in pain until after this process yesterday, now I’m in so much physical pain that I can barely stand up strait. Yay for the 90 year old lady shuffle, no?

Regardless, yesterday I began making my toddler safe ornaments (plastic) and was pretty content to just let this fluid go and wait it out, however DJ wasn’t too impressed with this idea, and since he’s leaving wanted to get it taken care of now instead of later. Bless his heart.

11217567_976382734734_2950942130008623202_n  I ended up making a white snow man head and it turned out pretty adorable if I do say so myself. I wanted to get the Christmas decorations out today but I doubt that’s gonna happen since DJ went over to the neighbor’s to help with something and is over shooting the shit, and will probably not be home for awhile. He knows that we had plans today, and BLAH. I’m just overly emotional today anyway, because the packing was painful and I cried, and I’m tired of fighting and healing and all this bullshit. I’m tired of having no money, very little hair, and always getting the short end of the stick. I’m just exhausted. Literally physically and emotionally exhausted.

I am so exhausted that I DON’T want to decorate for Christmas this year because I have no idea how we’re giving our kids a Christmas, let alone paying our bills thanks to work hours being so bad. DJ is supposed to be home for Christmas but I’m not holding my breath, in all honesty. And I’m not confident that with him being gone that I won’t end up back in the hospital with another infection because my mother will end up either flaking out or not want to do it, and I’ll end up having to do it myself and I’m not sure I CAN. I hate this. I hate all of this. I hate not being ok, not being confident that everything is gonna work out. I hate that I had to get cut open again. I hate life in general right now.   I can’t stand not being able to help out financially with everything, and on top of everything I’m getting sick.

I woke up yesterday morning with a sore throat and an ear ache.

 

So yeah TL;DR Life sucks, No money, Pity Train party of one.

Adulting, Mothering, and job hunting.

Hello!

Welcome. I’m sure you all remember me from karyn.nu or mama-uncensored.com. Thanks for following me here. I appreciate it.

Well, not a lot has changed on the home front. Accept that Dj is no longer getting working hours that work for us, supports us and keeps us going. With my income alone is just barely enough to pay rent.

So he’s looking to go over the road, or OTR. Since he has a class A CDL the jobs locally for local runs, are basically nonexistent. So we have very little choices in this, its either we sacrifice our time together now, or we loose everything. We’ve already applied for general state assistance, I’ve given up the domain, and other paid hosting blogs and started this. Which I’m ok with.

We don’t have cable either. I’m sure I could get rid of the internet for awhile, but I really want to try to make a go of the pain blogging thing. I’m sure I’ll have to get a domain for this, but its worth a shot right?

JM and JA has been growing so fast. JA is a whopping 13 lbs, he’s 4 months old and is doing beautifully. JM is getting to that age where he’s speaking more clearly, but he’s also making up words, and pushing boundaries.

This is both good and bad. He will run up and hug you one minute and the next he’s smacking you and earning himself a time out. This morning he woke up in such a bad mood that it was unreal. We immediately put him back to bed, and that seemed to help for about 2 hours after he woke up. Now he’s back down asleep again because he was so miserable. Such is the age of the terrible almost 2’s.